Source: Pearls of Love and Logic by Jim Fay
Many of us have asked the question many times; Why does my child always have an attitude? Whatever the reason, it typically looks the same. Trying to rationalize while the child is angry is impossible. Never try to rea-son with an angry child. Rather, say, “It sounds like you are really mad. I really want to listen and understand. I will listen when your voice is as calm as mine.” Remember to use empathy and stay calm.
Sometimes, the child will continue yelling out the anger. When this happens, you may need to repeat several times your calm statement, “I will listen when your voice is as calm as mine.”
Once the child is ready to discuss the anger, listen without reasoning. Try to avoid minimizing the child’s feel-ing. Try also to avoid telling him or her that things will be okay and how to fix the problem. Your job is to prove that you listened and you understand. For example, “It sounds like you get mad when I tell you do your home-work. Thanks for sharing. I will give it some thought, but if you think of a better way for me to ask you, just let me know.”
Sometimes, we can make it worse. By not treating the child with respect sends a message that says, “you are not worthy.” This may look like a parent yelling, which only encourages the child to yell back. (Be attentive to your non-verbals as well. An adult roll of the eyes can have the same or even worse negative result as an adult tone in the voice.) This can become a vicious cycle that breeds chronic anger in the child. Remember, most chil-dren will talk openly only after they truly believe their parents are interested in what they have to say and rec-ognize their feelings. “Most of the time, a parent’s job is to Understand, Not to fix the problem”.